I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
