im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
