The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
