Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
