eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
