it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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