We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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