I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
