this beer tastes like vomit already
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
