I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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