Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
