do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
