Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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