he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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