Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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