The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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