my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
