Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
false alarm. still invincible.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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