man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
