she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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