My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
