wakey wakey hands off snakey
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
