i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
