Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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