he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
