I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize