Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
