Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
