I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
