I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
