i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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