Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
