He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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