If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
