What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I didn't notice because vodka
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
