She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
