Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
