everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
