i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
