Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
