Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
