put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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