I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
