A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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