you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
