I will die if light touches me.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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