She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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