Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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