I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It's Friday. Sex?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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