Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
