I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
