I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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