Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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