I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
