Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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