I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
