My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
