I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
