You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
