I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
