you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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