Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dignity is for republicans.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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