HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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