Your tits are I can't wait for
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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