When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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