apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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